Freeing myself from feeling trapped

I have felt trapped by motherhood, by finances and by my own limitations but all that needs to stop. I feel like I am missing the joy in life and to be honest I have been. I have been so caught up in the future and the unknown that it has paralysed me from moving forward, from spending quality time with my kids and it has had me hiding in the world that is Facebook and TV. I guess I have been having what some may call an identity crisis. What am I, what do I want to be and what am I good at? The answer to these questions has plagued me day and night. I have had trouble sleeping, concentrating on my study, and even just being present with my kids.
I have reached a time in my life where I see time whizzing past, I see my kids going to school and I wonder what I will do when they are both doing their own thing? It’s the age old question of what becomes of mum when the kids no longer need her. I’m a planner and this is where the issue arises. I don’t like the unknown so I feel I need to plan right now. I am scared what will happen if I don’t plan. Will I get to that time with no plan and no direction (kind of like how I feel now) and remain stuck.
Now if this was the only issue, then it would be easy to just say, don’t stress about it, something will come up, but I am also stressed about money. Hubby doesn’t exactly work in the most secure industry. At any moment they could tell him not to come in tomorrow. On of my biggest regrets is not planning for the future.
This is where I then think I need to get a job but having hubby work away 1 week on, 1 week off makes it very difficult to juggle that. We have no family living close so it means that the kids would have to go into day care but that is pricey with a capital $. Also finding work that doesn’t require weekend or out of hours work is hard too as day care doesn’t cater for weekends or nights. God even I sound like I am making excuses but I have done the figures and going to work to come away with no money or $50 seems like such a waste of time. It’s a waste of my kids lives that I will be missing.
So the next thought has been how about working for myself. Well I have tried doing my own kids clothing business but that market is so hard to break into, especially when I want to take a Facebook break. Most of these businesses make their money by being visible to mums who are on Facebook while feeding their babies or doing night wakings or just taking a time out like I have done. I wish I could come up with something from home that I could do that doesn’t require me to spend copious amounts of time on the computer or my phone.
So next, I have considered party plan. Sounds great except I don’t know many people down here which is a bit of a problem. I could go to the markets but once again, no day care for kids. Ugh it is so tiring. Why must mums going back to work be so hard. Seriously, everyone talks about getting mums back in the workforce but it is ridiculously hard to a) get a job in the first place, b) bring home enough to make it worthwhile, c)find suitable daycare or other forms of childcare.
So this brings me to this moment. A moment where I am deciding to stop stressing. For goodness sake, I couldn’t even nap today when I had the opportunity because my mind was in overdrive. This is not good for my health, it’s not good for my kids to have an absent mother and it’s not getting me anywhere except stressed. It’s time to STOP!
My resolution from now on is to switch off from my phone and Facebook. I am going to buy or borrow books rather than read ebooks. I am going to write how I feel as it gives me a release. And I am going to explore things I am curious about. I have 3 and a bit years before my youngest starts kindy. I have time on my side. I am going to take control of my finances and I am going to plan financially for the future. I am going to trust in the universe that the right opportunity will present itself and I will grasp it with both hands if it suits my requirements. Until then I am going to soak in the sun while watching my kids run around playing, giggling, dancing and kiss them until they no longer want kisses from their mum.