I have felt trapped by motherhood, by finances and by my own limitations but all that needs to stop. I feel like I am missing the joy in life and to be honest I have been. I have been so caught up in the future and the unknown that it has paralysed me from moving forward, from spending quality time with my kids and it has had me hiding in the world that is Facebook and TV. I guess I have been having what some may call an identity crisis. What am I, what do I want to be and what am I good at? The answer to these questions has plagued me day and night. I have had trouble sleeping, concentrating on my study, and even just being present with my kids.
I have reached a time in my life where I see time whizzing past, I see my kids going to school and I wonder what I will do when they are both doing their own thing? It’s the age old question of what becomes of mum when the kids no longer need her. I’m a planner and this is where the issue arises. I don’t like the unknown so I feel I need to plan right now. I am scared what will happen if I don’t plan. Will I get to that time with no plan and no direction (kind of like how I feel now) and remain stuck.
Now if this was the only issue, then it would be easy to just say, don’t stress about it, something will come up, but I am also stressed about money. Hubby doesn’t exactly work in the most secure industry. At any moment they could tell him not to come in tomorrow. On of my biggest regrets is not planning for the future.
This is where I then think I need to get a job but having hubby work away 1 week on, 1 week off makes it very difficult to juggle that. We have no family living close so it means that the kids would have to go into day care but that is pricey with a capital $. Also finding work that doesn’t require weekend or out of hours work is hard too as day care doesn’t cater for weekends or nights. God even I sound like I am making excuses but I have done the figures and going to work to come away with no money or $50 seems like such a waste of time. It’s a waste of my kids lives that I will be missing.
So the next thought has been how about working for myself. Well I have tried doing my own kids clothing business but that market is so hard to break into, especially when I want to take a Facebook break. Most of these businesses make their money by being visible to mums who are on Facebook while feeding their babies or doing night wakings or just taking a time out like I have done. I wish I could come up with something from home that I could do that doesn’t require me to spend copious amounts of time on the computer or my phone.
So next, I have considered party plan. Sounds great except I don’t know many people down here which is a bit of a problem. I could go to the markets but once again, no day care for kids. Ugh it is so tiring. Why must mums going back to work be so hard. Seriously, everyone talks about getting mums back in the workforce but it is ridiculously hard to a) get a job in the first place, b) bring home enough to make it worthwhile, c)find suitable daycare or other forms of childcare.
So this brings me to this moment. A moment where I am deciding to stop stressing. For goodness sake, I couldn’t even nap today when I had the opportunity because my mind was in overdrive. This is not good for my health, it’s not good for my kids to have an absent mother and it’s not getting me anywhere except stressed. It’s time to STOP!
My resolution from now on is to switch off from my phone and Facebook. I am going to buy or borrow books rather than read ebooks. I am going to write how I feel as it gives me a release. And I am going to explore things I am curious about. I have 3 and a bit years before my youngest starts kindy. I have time on my side. I am going to take control of my finances and I am going to plan financially for the future. I am going to trust in the universe that the right opportunity will present itself and I will grasp it with both hands if it suits my requirements. Until then I am going to soak in the sun while watching my kids run around playing, giggling, dancing and kiss them until they no longer want kisses from their mum.
Challenge: Accepted
Challenge: Discover new ways to entertain my son. Try a new craft project, new toy, new class or activity or group.
Why: My son is a 17 month old, full steam ahead little man who loves to climb. I am a mum who is getting bored with the same old same old and wants the best for my son. I figure if I can keep him entertained maybe I can curb is need to climb everyday.
When: I would love to say I will find a new thing to do everyday but I think that is unrealistic. So I’m challenging myself to try as many as possible each week. At least 1 new item a week.
How: I am going to google ideas, take him to new classes or groups and also try to find new things to do in town. I am willing to try anything that a toddler is likely to enjoy and hopefully I will find somethings that get a regular rotation in our house.
So let’s get this party started.
Feel free to follow along and even make suggestions.
I love you as big as the world
Who would have thought that reading my son a book would stop him from crying. He was screaming and I wondered what would help him settle down, so I thought I would try reading him a book. I honestly didn’t think it would help. I thought I would only get through about 2 pages before he started kicking and screaming again. Man, I love that book.
A bit of our history on how we stumbled onto this amazing book. A few months ago when I was at the library I found a beautiful book called “I love you as big as the world”. When I got it home I sat down with my little one on the couch and read it to him and for the first time EVER he sat quietly without being distracted and let me read him the whole book twice. We continued reading this book everyday before I had to take it back to the library.
Because of Logan’s love for this book, I decided to go searching for it to buy. I looked and looked and I could not find it anywhere in town so off to the net I went. Bingo, I found it on the QBD website so into the cart it went (along with a few other discounted cooking books). It seemed to take forever to arrive but once it did, we sat down again to read it. Same reaction from Logan. So now it sits on our couch in easy reach.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Big-World/dp/1561486183
So back to today, there we were in the lounge room with him screaming his little head off and sitting with what appears to be his favourite book. In total we read this book 9 times, yes you read correctly, 9 times!!! I even changed books after reading it 4 times and he was not pleased. Halfway though he started screaming again. Got back out “I love you as big as the world” and instant silence so on we continued to read until we finally got distracted at the ninth time.
As a mum, I love this book. It really does express to my son in a structured way how much I love him. Here is a short excerpt that I always tell my son.
I love you as big as the world,
I love you as deep as the sea,
I love you as bright as the sun,
I love you and I know you love me
I strongly suggest this book. It has beautiful pictures as well as words.
Have you found any books that your kids just love?
Bring on 2012
“Welcome 2012, why don’t you stay a while and have a cupcake.” That’s the way I feel about 2012 at the moment. 2011 was a year full of highs and lows. Through the high I have laughed, smiled, and felt grateful and through the lows I have felt anger, disappointment and resentment but here I am still standing strong. Actually I think I may be standing stronger than every before.
2011 saw me become a mum to a amazing little boy who makes me laugh everyday, even through the haze of sleep deprivation. I made the decision with the support of my husband to become a stay at home mum and we started up a business for my husband. After working a bazillion hours a day/week at my old job and feeling super stressed out, I feel like a new person. I love spending everyday with my little boy. He amazes me with his sense of discovery and determination to learn whatever task he is learning right at that moment. Even on those days where he has woken every 3 hours the night before and my eyes feel like they are about to fall out of my head, I still feel a sense of calm for most of the day. I feel like I am where I am meant to be right now.
2012 will bring with it new challenges I am sure. I have many goal, not resolutions. I believe resolution seem to be a bit of fairy wish whereas a goal is an achievable endpoint with a roadmap leading the way. I feel this year I am up to the challenges. I am determined to get my life balanced and feel like I am on the right path.
I have been thinking about blogging for about 5 months now however, I just seem to keep putting it off. I didn’t really have any clear direction for my blogging until now. Thanks to Deb at http://www.homelifesimplified.com.au/ I am committing myself to the “52 week to simplify your life challenge”. I will also be blogging about other stuff that interests me in between. Cooking, Baking, Scrapbooking, Being a mum, etc may all be featured at some time or another. As a SAHM, I sometimes feel rather isolated. Not that I don’t have friends or that I don’t get out. I do but it is different from that daily banter that you have at a workplace. So I think that blogging might help me feel connected to the outside word where I can express some thoughts, be them random or quite on topic for the moment.
So now off to work on my Week 1 Challenge: Create a list of everything that went right in 2011.
Kim xxx
Giggles, Kisses & Dancing 